John Crean was one of my three AA sponsors, who remarkably all carried the given name, John. I counseled with him frequently and notably while facing transitional decisions, usually in a work context. There was ample justification for my seeking him out as John was the most successful businessperson in the United States, who also founded his career and operated in business on AA Principles. John joined AA in his twenties and was sober until his death. Starting with a company selling Venetian blinds, he then quickly founded Fleetwood Enterprises, which amazingly became a Fortune 500 company. He grew Fleetwood at his retirement in 1998 into the largest manufacturer in all Fleetwood’s market segments: manufactured housing, motor homes, and travel trailers.
John always got right to the point. I had sold my company-restricted however, by an impossibly broad, ten-year non-compete in my former occupation. I whimpered for an hour about what I could not do moving forward. Silent for an hour of my unloading, he offered a one-line prescription, don’t worry, “you’ll bump into something.” At the time, I felt cheated. ‘John, didn’t you hear my dilemma-please help me with defining some options.’ As it turned out, that simple phrase became a footing for exploring new directions whenever my world turned upside down- as it has with clockwork regularity over the ensuing years. I think that catchphrase might also be the appropriate metaphor for the world as we know it today, turned upside down by the COVID 19 Pandemic.
What John imparted to me in his plain speak has fundamental underpinnings. The first is that “bumping into” is something accidental or serendipitous, certainly not the result of careful planning and execution on one’s part. It is like making the break shot in pool, where the cue ball is sent firmly at the triangle, causing an explosion and infinite alignments of the balls. The second is that it implies motion. The “bumping into” is much more likely if you are already in motion. In AA, we have a couple of sayings that explain it. “Action is the magic word” and “you cannot Think yourself into right living, but only Act your way into right thinking.”
But how does one take the first step? That is where the program’s insistence that we only take a day at a time comes in. Also, where the inescapable “maintenance of our spiritual condition” requires a quiet heart and mind to hear what God’s plan might be for us as he slowly doles it out. Usually, he just shows us “the next indicated thing” to do. Without revealing the entire plan, he will give us the Power to take that next step, which requires Trust. That first action and the actions that follow in subsequent “One day(s) at a time” eventually leads to something that feels like God is again caring for me, and my “Trust Steps” are validated. But for people like me with chronically unsatisfied ego needs, there is an emotional downside. If all I did through prayer and meditation was to take the next indicated step, how could I then claim the credit for having created a master plan that might lead out of the wilderness?
Currently, like many in this Pandemic upending of our lives, I am experiencing a slowdown and stretching out of my work and income as deadlines are pushed forward into the future to accommodate the “new normal.” Thankfully, unlike many, I still have a business and a job. I am praying for answers, but what I get is only a daily inspiration to take the next step in faith that only might provide a new direction. Years now of operating under this principle have led me to believe that when I do, I will in fact “bump into something”. It will be a surprise-and “…immeasurably more than [I could] ask or imagine [for].” But I will then have to suck it up and thank the real source for it and be shown my rightful place again in God’s hierarchy, as his small child and certainly not even one of his lesser lieutenants. When I do arrive there, I must admit that it is a very peaceful state of being. Too bad I can’t spend more time in that place.

 
As the “Big Book” says, “… all of us felt at times that we were regaining control. However, such intervals, usually brief, were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization.” P30, Although there may be a few souls that just stumbled into a meeting of AA for the coffee and donuts, most of us did not select AA with our academic counselors as a preferred destination. The contrary is true. Things had to get so bad that even after holding our noses, donning disguises at unfamiliar meetings in strange cities; many of us still take multiple attempts over many years to “get it.” Things must get so desperate, i.e., Incomprehensible Demoralization, for us to give up enough of our self-will to employ the full measures required to take the 12 Steps. Although our bottoms may be very different (ranging from losing nearly everything to losing very little materially but still being quite stuck in despair), most – if not all – of us can relate to the misery of this pitiful condition.

However, maybe this has given us sober survivors an outside edge over ordinary people in this unfamiliar territory of COVID 19 infection and the impacts of the closing down of our economy. We’re not immune from any of the fallout such as job loss, business failure, 401K shrinkage, freedom from “sheltering in place” and even possible infection and worse. We bear those same shocks along with the rest of the country, but the effects will be uneven across geography and also among friends. However, for those non-alcoholic members of society who have not experienced truly incomprehensible demoralization at the level participation in AA seems to require, they may lack the point of comparison it provides us. Looking backward, we Alcoholics know we have lived through much worse, especially as respects the emotional and spiritual hell we all endured, the absolute humiliation our behavior engendered, and our complete inability to remedy ourselves by ourselves.

It’s become a Mantra (although probably not part of any AA literature) that one accurate measure of spiritual maturity in AA is the ability to live comfortably with unresolved situations. COVID 19 may be the poster child as an example of unresolved situations, entirely beyond our control. It would be hard to write a script for a set of circumstances that could involve more uncertainty.

We have a beautiful illustration with the collapse of so many scientific hypotheses our leaders have relied upon about why our absolute dependence on our Higher Power is a sign of strength, not weakness. If we could have solved our dilemma as alcoholics using our brainpower and willpower, we would have. But we couldn’t, and we didn’t.

As with other inoculations requiring periodic “booster shots,” our vaccination can lose its power over time. One of those boosters is current contact with other struggling alcoholics whose experience of incomprehensible demoralization is fresh and robust and will let us experience our past without having to relive it. They can quickly remind us of the “chilling vapor of loneliness, “as well as the “hideous four horsemen – Terror, Bewilderment, Frustration and Despair” (AA BB p, 151).

We can remember those feelings ourselves, give thanks that while they may visit on occasion, they are no longer common companions. Then we can convey our experience using the tools of our program, which soothed us back then, may assist the newcomer a bit now, and remarkably lift our spirits again.