INOCULATED BY INCOMPREHENSIBLE DEMORALIZATION

 
As the “Big Book” says, “… all of us felt at times that we were regaining control. However, such intervals, usually brief, were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization.” P30, Although there may be a few souls that just stumbled into a meeting of AA for the coffee and donuts, most of us did not select AA with our academic counselors as a preferred destination. The contrary is true. Things had to get so bad that even after holding our noses, donning disguises at unfamiliar meetings in strange cities; many of us still take multiple attempts over many years to “get it.” Things must get so desperate, i.e., Incomprehensible Demoralization, for us to give up enough of our self-will to employ the full measures required to take the 12 Steps. Although our bottoms may be very different (ranging from losing nearly everything to losing very little materially but still being quite stuck in despair), most – if not all – of us can relate to the misery of this pitiful condition.

However, maybe this has given us sober survivors an outside edge over ordinary people in this unfamiliar territory of COVID 19 infection and the impacts of the closing down of our economy. We’re not immune from any of the fallout such as job loss, business failure, 401K shrinkage, freedom from “sheltering in place” and even possible infection and worse. We bear those same shocks along with the rest of the country, but the effects will be uneven across geography and also among friends. However, for those non-alcoholic members of society who have not experienced truly incomprehensible demoralization at the level participation in AA seems to require, they may lack the point of comparison it provides us. Looking backward, we Alcoholics know we have lived through much worse, especially as respects the emotional and spiritual hell we all endured, the absolute humiliation our behavior engendered, and our complete inability to remedy ourselves by ourselves.

It’s become a Mantra (although probably not part of any AA literature) that one accurate measure of spiritual maturity in AA is the ability to live comfortably with unresolved situations. COVID 19 may be the poster child as an example of unresolved situations, entirely beyond our control. It would be hard to write a script for a set of circumstances that could involve more uncertainty.

We have a beautiful illustration with the collapse of so many scientific hypotheses our leaders have relied upon about why our absolute dependence on our Higher Power is a sign of strength, not weakness. If we could have solved our dilemma as alcoholics using our brainpower and willpower, we would have. But we couldn’t, and we didn’t.

As with other inoculations requiring periodic “booster shots,” our vaccination can lose its power over time. One of those boosters is current contact with other struggling alcoholics whose experience of incomprehensible demoralization is fresh and robust and will let us experience our past without having to relive it. They can quickly remind us of the “chilling vapor of loneliness, “as well as the “hideous four horsemen – Terror, Bewilderment, Frustration and Despair” (AA BB p, 151).

We can remember those feelings ourselves, give thanks that while they may visit on occasion, they are no longer common companions. Then we can convey our experience using the tools of our program, which soothed us back then, may assist the newcomer a bit now, and remarkably lift our spirits again.