When I first got sober, I was convinced that if I just worked hard enough—worked the steps perfectly, got my spiritual life in order, and “fixed” everything about myself—I would finally be okay. I believed that if I could just improve enough, I would be worthy of the peace and happiness I saw in others. But over time, I started to wonder: What if the real goal isn’t self-improvement, but self-acceptance?
In Perfectly Imperfect: Progress, Not Spiritual Perfection “we may think we’re working toward spiritual growth, but sometimes, we’re just polishing up our egos.” I have spent years trying to be “better” when the truth is, God has loved me as I am from the start. It took me a long time to realize that I didn’t need to become someone different to be at peace.
The Endless Chase of Self-Improvement
I remember a time in my life when everything revolved around achievement. In my career, I always felt I had to stand out, to be seen as successful. In Do You Want to Be Special or Happy?, I shared how that mindset followed me into recovery. I still felt like I had to be exceptional—only now, it was about being a “model” AA member. I wanted to be the one with all the answers, who worked the steps the best, and who had it all together. But at what cost?
I see now that my need to be better was really a fear of not being enough. The pursuit of self-improvement kept me stuck in the belief that I was broken. But if I believe in grace—if I believe in the promises of the Big Book—then I have to believe that I am already whole.
What the Big Book and AA Teach About Acceptance
There’s a reason why one of the most quoted lines in the Big Book is: “And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today…” (p. 417). But for years, I misunderstood all that really meant. I thought it was about accepting other people, accepting life on life’s terms. I never thought about applying it to myself.
In The Second Surrender, I realized that just because I had gotten sober didn’t mean life was suddenly manageable. Surrender wasn’t a one-time event—it was something I had to do over and over again. The same is true for self-acceptance. It’s not a one-and-done deal. It’s a practice, a willingness to let go of the need to be different and to trust that I am already enough.
The Spiritual Shift: Embracing Who We Already Are
I used to think that the way to know myself was to work on myself—to uncover all my flaws and “fix” them. But then I read something that changed my perspective: “We do not find our true self by seeking it. Rather, we find it by seeking God.” (David G. Benner)
In Embracing the Dance: Knowing God and Yourself in Recovery, I reflected on how knowing God and knowing myself are inseparable. For so long, I had been trying to perfect myself when what I really needed was to trust that God already saw me as whole. I don’t have to earn God’s love or grace. I just have to accept it.
How This Plays Out in Long-Term Sobriety
When I was new in AA, my life was a mess. There was so much wreckage to clean up, so many amends to make. It made sense that I threw myself into self-improvement—I had a lot to fix. But now, years later, I see a different challenge: Can I allow myself to be loved exactly as I am?
In Perfectly Imperfect, even after years of sobriety, I still find myself trying to prove something. I have to remind myself that I am not in AA to be the best at recovery—I am here to be real. I am here to be human. And part of that means learning to rest in grace.
Practical Steps Toward Self-Acceptance
- Let Go of the Perfection Trap – Progress, not perfection. I remind myself daily that true growth is found in being real, not in being flawless.
- Redefine Growth – Growth isn’t just about change; it’s also about deeper understanding and acceptance.
- Sit in the Discomfort of Being Enough – Can I let go of the need to constantly prove myself? This is the question I ask in my daily inventory.
- Reframe Prayer and Meditation – Instead of seeking answers, I focus on seeking presence. Can I allow myself to be known by God?
- Find Freedom in Surrender – The same surrender that got me sober is the same surrender that allows me to live in peace today.
The greatest transformation in my recovery hasn’t been becoming a “better” version of myself—it has been realizing that I am already enough. I don’t need to earn grace. I don’t need to prove myself. I am loved, exactly as I am, today. True freedom comes not from fixing myself, but from finally accepting who I was created to be.
More will be revealed 