Tag: jesus

From Self Improvement to Self Acceptance

~ boba1968 ~ Leave a comment

When I first got sober, I was convinced that if I just worked hard enough—worked the steps perfectly, got my spiritual life in order, and “fixed” everything about myself—I would finally be okay. I believed that if I could just improve enough, I would be worthy of the peace and happiness I saw in others. But over time, I started to wonder: What if the real goal isn’t self-improvement, but self-acceptance?

In Perfectly Imperfect: Progress, Not Spiritual Perfection “we may think we’re working toward spiritual growth, but sometimes, we’re just polishing up our egos.” I have spent years trying to be “better” when the truth is, God has loved me as I am from the start. It took me a long time to realize that I didn’t need to become someone different to be at peace.

The Endless Chase of Self-Improvement

I remember a time in my life when everything revolved around achievement. In my career, I always felt I had to stand out, to be seen as successful. In Do You Want to Be Special or Happy?, I shared how that mindset followed me into recovery. I still felt like I had to be exceptional—only now, it was about being a “model” AA member. I wanted to be the one with all the answers, who worked the steps the best, and who had it all together. But at what cost?

I see now that my need to be better was really a fear of not being enough. The pursuit of self-improvement kept me stuck in the belief that I was broken. But if I believe in grace—if I believe in the promises of the Big Book—then I have to believe that I am already whole.

What the Big Book and AA Teach About Acceptance

There’s a reason why one of the most quoted lines in the Big Book is: “And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today…” (p. 417). But for years, I misunderstood all that really meant. I thought it was about accepting other people, accepting life on life’s terms. I never thought about applying it to myself.

In The Second Surrender, I realized that just because I had gotten sober didn’t mean life was suddenly manageable. Surrender wasn’t a one-time event—it was something I had to do over and over again. The same is true for self-acceptance. It’s not a one-and-done deal. It’s a practice, a willingness to let go of the need to be different and to trust that I am already enough.

The Spiritual Shift: Embracing Who We Already Are

I used to think that the way to know myself was to work on myself—to uncover all my flaws and “fix” them. But then I read something that changed my perspective: “We do not find our true self by seeking it. Rather, we find it by seeking God.” (David G. Benner)

In Embracing the Dance: Knowing God and Yourself in Recovery, I reflected on how knowing God and knowing myself are inseparable. For so long, I had been trying to perfect myself when what I really needed was to trust that God already saw me as whole. I don’t have to earn God’s love or grace. I just have to accept it.

How This Plays Out in Long-Term Sobriety

When I was new in AA, my life was a mess. There was so much wreckage to clean up, so many amends to make. It made sense that I threw myself into self-improvement—I had a lot to fix. But now, years later, I see a different challenge: Can I allow myself to be loved exactly as I am?

In Perfectly Imperfect,  even after years of sobriety, I still find myself trying to prove something. I have to remind myself that I am not in AA to be the best at recovery—I am here to be real. I am here to be human. And part of that means learning to rest in grace.

Practical Steps Toward Self-Acceptance

  1. Let Go of the Perfection Trap – Progress, not perfection. I remind myself daily that true growth is found in being real, not in being flawless.
  2. Redefine Growth – Growth isn’t just about change; it’s also about deeper understanding and acceptance.
  3. Sit in the Discomfort of Being Enough – Can I let go of the need to constantly prove myself? This is the question I ask in my daily inventory.
  4. Reframe Prayer and Meditation – Instead of seeking answers, I focus on seeking presence. Can I allow myself to be known by God?
  5. Find Freedom in Surrender – The same surrender that got me sober is the same surrender that allows me to live in peace today.

The greatest transformation in my recovery hasn’t been becoming a “better” version of myself—it has been realizing that I am already enough. I don’t need to earn grace. I don’t need to prove myself. I am loved, exactly as I am, today.  True freedom comes not from fixing myself, but from finally accepting who I was created to be.

Embracing the Dance: Knowing God and Yourself in Recovery

~ boba1968 ~ Leave a comment

In the journey of sobriety, especially for those of us with a decade or more under our belts, the interplay between understanding God and understanding ourselves becomes increasingly significant. David G. Benner, in The Gift of Being Yourself, posits that true spiritual wholeness emerges when we delve deeply into both.  I chose this author and topic because of the Forward.  “Some will perceive This concept resonates with our experiences in AA, where the path to recovery intertwines self-discovery with a growing relationship with a Higher Power.” I thought this was the essence of what I have been trying to do in Morewillberevealed.blog

The False Self vs. The True Self

Benner introduces the idea of the “false self”—a construct of ego, fear, and societal expectations that obscures our authentic identity. This lines up with what we’ve talked about in AA: those masks we wore while drinking, trying to hide our insecurities and pain. In sobriety, we start peeling those layers back like an onion to uncover who we really are—our “true self” rooted in honesty and connected to something greater. “Identity is never simply a creation. It is always a discovery. True identity is always a gift of God.” says Benner.  Lately, in my spiritual journey, I have felt the reality of this.  My confidence level has soared, and I’m reaching out to people I would have shied away from a couple of years ago.

Surrender as a Path to Wholeness

Surrender—it’s a big word in AA. In “The Second Surrender,” I posited that admitting we’re powerless isn’t the end of the world; it’s actually the beginning of something better. Benner hits this same point, saying that when we let go of our false selves, we can finally discover our true selves in God. “We do not find our true self by seeking it. Rather, we find it by seeking God.” The corollary is that we won’t find our true selves if we don’t seek God.  This is an amazing statement from a lifelong psychologist trained in all the disciplines. 

Knowing God and Knowing Yourself

Here’s a twist: the better you know yourself, the better you’ll know God. We talked about this idea in “Perfectly Imperfect: Progress, Not Spiritual Perfection,” where  embracing our flaws opens us up to grace. Benner takes it a step further, saying, “There is no deep knowing of God without a deep knowing of self, and no deep knowing of self without a deep knowing of God.” In AA, we’ve got the tools to deal with this—continuous inventory (Step Ten) and conscious contact with God (Step Eleven) keep us honest and connected.

Authenticity and Vulnerability

Being real isn’t easy, but it’s worth it. In AA meetings, sharing our struggles—warts and all—helps us connect and heal. Benner’s on the same page when he says our true self is grounded in God’s love. “To truly know love, we must receive it in an undefended state.” Vulnerability isn’t a weakness; it’s the bridge to authentic relationships and spiritual growth. We’ve all seen it repeatedly—being open lets the light in.

Daily Practices for True Self-Discovery

Figuring out who we really are takes work—daily work. In “Worry: The Illusion of Control,” I wrote about how practices like prayer, meditation, and reflection can help us stay grounded. Benner’s take aligns perfectly with Steps Eleven and Twelve: seek God’s will, carry the message, and practice these principles in all our affairs. “Transformational knowing is always personal, never merely objective. It involves knowing of, not merely knowing about. And it is always relational.” It’s a day-at-a-time process that brings us closer to the person we’re meant to be.

Freedom from Shame

Shame is a heavy load, and it’s one we’ve all carried. In “Inoculated by Incomprehensible Demoralization,” we postulated how shame can keep us stuck. Benner reminds us that God’s love sees past our flaws, offering us freedom and healing. “Mercy responds to what is not good and makes it good and lovable—the gift of being myself.” Step Five—sharing our inventory with God and another person—is where we start breaking those chains. Shame loses its grip, and we step into the light.

The intertwined journey of knowing God and knowing ourselves enriches our recovery experience. By shedding the false self, embracing vulnerability, and engaging in daily spiritual practices, we move closer to our true identity, grounded in divine love. “As we become more like Christ, we paradoxically become our own true self more uniquely.” As we continue on this path, we find that spiritual wholeness is not a distant goal but a daily practice of authenticity and connection.

As the Big Book promises: “We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.” (p. 83). Let us continue to seek both God and ourselves, trusting that the two journeys are, in truth, one.  Maybe there is even more in the promises than Bill Wilson and the founders thought.

Perfectly Imperfect: Progress, Not Spiritual Perfection

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“We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection.” Those simple yet profound words from the Big Book (p. 60) set the stage for what spiritual growth truly looks like. It’s not about achieving flawlessness but about allowing grace to work through our imperfections.

As I’ve reflected on this theme, I’ve found that the insights of thinkers like Greg Bahnsen, Dallas Willard, John Ortberg, and the authors of The Spirituality of Imperfection offer a rich tapestry of wisdom. These perspectives have challenged me to embrace the slow, often messy journey of progress and to see imperfection not as a flaw in the process but as the starting point.

Perfection is a Misunderstanding

Greg Bahnsen reminds us that striving for human perfection is misguided. In a fallen world, perfection as we imagine it—complete consistency, total control—is impossible. True perfection is found in Christ alone. For me, this was a game-changer. I spent years thinking that spiritual growth meant erasing all my flaws. Bahnsen’s perspective freed me to focus instead on my relationship with God, trusting that He would do the work I could not.

Dallas Willard builds on this by framing spiritual growth as the “renovation of the heart.” It’s not about external performance but about the slow transformation of our inner lives. Spiritual progress isn’t flashy; it happens in the small, ordinary moments of surrender and obedience.

Admitting Imperfection as the Starting Point

In The Spirituality of Imperfection, the authors write, “Spirituality begins when we stop pretending to be something we’re not.” This idea resonates deeply with AA’s Step One: “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable” (p. 59). Admitting our imperfection is not a sign of failure but the door to grace.

John Ortberg adds his characteristic humor to this idea, noting that trying to achieve perfection is like trying to catch the wind. It’s frustrating and, ultimately, futile. Instead, he invites us to embrace the journey and laugh at ourselves along the way.

The Role of Surrender

The 12 & 12 describes Step Three as the moment we “turn our will and our lives over to the care of God” (p. 34). This surrender isn’t easy. For me, it often feels like letting go of the very thing I’m convinced will fix everything. But as The Spirituality of Imperfection reminds us, surrender is not passivity—it’s an active trust in something greater than ourselves.

Dallas Willard puts it this way: surrender creates space for God to work. It’s the moment we stop striving and start allowing transformation to happen. Ortberg, with his usual wit, adds, “Spiritual growth doesn’t require perfection; it requires willingness.”

Progress in Community

One of the greatest lessons I’ve learned from AA is the power of sharing struggles in community. The Big Book describes the fellowship as “a friendliness, and an understanding which is indescribably wonderful” (p. 17). For me, that understanding comes when I hear someone else’s story and see my own imperfections reflected back. It’s a reminder that I’m not alone and that progress, not perfection, is the goal.

Ortberg and Willard both stress the importance of relationships in spiritual growth. Willard describes community as a refining tool—others help us see our blind spots and call us to deeper love and humility. Ortberg notes that real transformation happens in the messiness of shared lives, where we support each other and laugh at our imperfections.

The Small Steps of Progress

Steps Six and Seven of AA capture the essence of spiritual progress: “Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character” (Step Six, p. 59) and “Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings” (Step Seven, p. 59). These steps remind me that progress is not about sweeping changes but about small, consistent acts of willingness.

Willard’s idea of “habits of the heart” fits beautifully here. He teaches that spiritual growth happens through intentional practices—prayer, meditation, service—that align us with God’s will. These aren’t grand gestures; they’re small, faithful steps forward.

Humor and Grace

If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s the importance of not taking myself too seriously. The Big Book puts it well: “We are not a glum lot” (p. 132). Laughter has a way of cutting through self-importance and reminding us that imperfection is part of the human experience.

The Spirituality of Imperfection emphasizes that humor and humility go hand in hand. When I can laugh at my mistakes, I create space for grace. And in that space, God does some of His best work.

Conclusion: Perfectly Imperfect

Progress, not perfection, is the heart of the spiritual journey. Bahnsen reminds us that perfection is found in Christ, not in ourselves. Willard shows us that true growth is slow and rooted in grace. Ortberg invites us to laugh, trust, and keep moving forward. And The Spirituality of Imperfection assures us that admitting our flaws is the beginning of transformation.

So here’s to the messy, beautiful, imperfect process of spiritual growth. As the Big Book so beautifully says, “We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves” (p. 84). One step at a time, one day at a time, progress unfolds—and that’s more than enough.

Worry: The Illusion of Control

~ boba1968 ~ Leave a comment

Worry is a familiar, yet toxic companion. It slips into our minds in moments of uncertainty, planting seeds of anxiety and fear. But let’s get one thing straight—worry is not the same as concern. Concern is action-oriented; it compels you to problem-solve, to take concrete steps. Worry, on the other hand, is a wheel that keeps spinning but never gets anywhere. It makes us feel like we’re doing something—preparing, considering, protecting ourselves—but in truth, it often leads to inaction, to paralysis.  The Twelve Steps are about relinquishing that illusion of control and finding serenity, one day at a time

The Big Book teaches us about letting go, about turning our will and our lives over to God. But worry challenges that surrender. At its core, worry is an attempt to regain some sense of control over the uncontrollable. It’s a form of arrogance, really—a refusal to admit that we don’t have power over everything. Or as I pointed out at an earlier time, “When we insist on trying to control what we cannot, it is as if we are saying, ‘I know better than God.’”

Psychiatrist Dr. Viktor Frankl, in his groundbreaking book “Man’s Search for Meaning,” wrote about how worry and fear can become obstacles to finding meaning in life. Frankl, who survived Nazi concentration camps, observed that those who were able to find spiritual meaning—even in suffering—were able to rise above anxiety and despair. This perspective is like AA’s concept of spiritual surrender.

It’s important to remember that worry is future-oriented. It’s rarely about what’s happening in the present moment. We worry about what could happen, what might go wrong, or how we might handle situations that haven’t even arisen. But as the saying goes, “Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”

Practical Tools to Combat Worry

  1. Gratitude in the Present: When your mind starts racing with future anxieties, ground yourself in the present by naming three things you’re grateful for today. Gratitude is a powerful antidote to worry because it brings you back to what is, rather than what might be.  Practicing gratitude is like shining a light on the present moment. It chases away the shadows cast by future fears.
  2. Letting Go Through Prayer or Meditation: A practice of surrender through prayer or meditation can be a helpful way to release those worries. The Serenity Prayer helps center us, reminding us to accept what we cannot change, to have the courage to act where we can, and to trust God with the rest.
  3. Actionable Next Steps: If worry is nagging at you about something specific, ask yourself if there’s an actionable step you can take. If there is, do it. If there isn’t, then let it go—acknowledge that this situation is not something you can control

Worry will never eliminate the things you fear; it will only eliminate your peace of mind. Instead of letting worry take the wheel, strive for acceptance, for letting go, and for faith that things will unfold as they are meant to. Serenity doesn’t come from having all the answers; it comes from trusting that we will be okay regardless.